VIEW TO THE WEST
To Serve and Protect
by Peter Shelton
Apr 09, 2012 | 1167 views | 1 1 comments | 7 7 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Here is the police blotter for the Colona Marshall’s Office for the week of April 1.

Officer Assist: Officer contacted rancher about a newborn calf outside the fence.

Welfare Check: Officer performed welfare check on cottonwood tree down by the river that is budding out too soon.

Dog Violation: Officer visited home that was reported to have no dogs, in possible violation of local code.

Officer Assist: Officer attempted to assist rancher in catching and returning calf to the correct side of the fence.

Dog Violation: Officer contacted coyotes for alleged late-night impersonation of a dog.

Investigation: Officer investigated report that a flying saucer had landed in Beaton Creek Valley. Alleged saucer turned out to be grow dome belonging to Buckhorn Gardens.

Criminal Trespass: Officer investigated possible criminal trespass by badger. Badger backed Officer down hastily back into his cruiser, but not before Officer ascertained that badger had in fact dug up grave of the family cat.

Officer Assist: Officer would have had the calf if that ditch full of cattails knee deep with runoff hadn’t been there.

Suspicious Behavior: Officer looked into reports that the former Cowboys Grill, at the intersection of Hwy 550 and CR 1A, was showing signs of commercial activity. Officer found no actual signs of activity.

Inappropriate Behavior: Officer looked into reports that the Cowboys Grill was thinking about adding an “e” to its name.

Abandoned Vehicle: Officer investigated possible abandoned vehicle on Government Springs Road. Officer contacted owner and was reassured that the 1977 Jeep pickup was in fact still properly registered and would (probably) start once the squirrels’ nests were removed from under the hood.

Property Damage/Graffiti: Officer investigated report of graffiti to upper walls of the Old Colona Schoolhouse, aka Colona Grange. Officer determined graffiti was in fact mud nests belonging to barn swallows. Swallows were contacted but refused to remove unsightly mud.

Burglary: Officer investigated possible theft of four letters from the Sunday sermon sign in front of Colona Community Church. Sign read: JE U AVE . Which, if officer’s high school French serves him, means “GAME STREET.”

Disturbance: Officer investigated a report of a disturbance in a vehicle located on BLM dirt track north of Buckhorn Road. Officer was unable to locate disturbance due to the vehicle’s fogged-up windows.

Littering: Without much else to do, Officer picked up discarded Keystone Light can from road ditch. Another Keystone Light. One McDonald’s Fishwich wrapper. Empty tin of Skoal Wintergreen. Three more Keystone Lights.

Suicide Prevention: Officer contacted (actually, Officer’s quick reactions resulted in a very near miss of) suicidal ungulate on highway at mile marker 85. Officer was unable to ascertain if suspect was repeat offender. Issued traffic warning.

Officer Assist: Officer really might have had the calf in his grasp this time if the rancher hadn’t moved his foot, tripping Officer so that forward momentum carried him headfirst into aforementioned cattail bog.

Disturbance: Officer went back to further investigate disturbance in vehicle. Officer was unable to locate vehicle. Officer did find one pair of women’s underwear. And one used condom. And the missing Keystone Light.

Home Invasion: Officer responded to a call from a homeowner on Horsefly Road about a home invasion in progress. Homeowner reported a bright light flooding into his bedroom. Officer determined source of light to be the three-quarter moon. Officer wished homeowner good night.

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johnwontrobski
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April 10, 2012
A wonderful piece of pastoral verisimilitude- Peter, you're hired! ;)