Does this whole Tiger Woods thing get any better? Talk about the perfect mix of sports, stardom and gossip. Let’s begin by touching on how our national media is covering this spectacle. There are many columnists, radio broadcasters and TV pundits who are taking the high road in speculating on and reporting on the Tiger Woods Thanksgiving accident. They say he has no legal obligation to disclose any further information than what he already has and we, as proper reporters, can leave it at that – it’s just a minor traffic accident.
And then there are those well-mannered reporters and columnists who strive to take things a step further in reporting really happened in those early morning hours in that chic Orlando neighborhood – even if they can only speculate about what happened because Tiger remains silent. For this column’s purpose, I will choose the latter, and report not only what I know, but what I think I know, even though I have never met the man and live thousands of miles away.
Here is what our more reputable sources are saying what happened late last week as told by Woods and his neighbors. According to The New York Times, Woods’ neighbors heard a crash at about 2:25 a.m. the morning after Thanksgiving. Outside the neighbors’ house, it appeared that Woods had driven his Escalade SUV over a fire hydrant and then crashed into a tree. The neighbors ran outside, and Woods’ wife, Elin, told them to call 911, while she tended to Woods, who was lying on the ground with blood pouring from scrapes on his face. Elin told police she had smashed the rear window with a golf club to extricate Woods from the vehicle.
Police, as of Monday, are not going to charge Woods with anything other than a citation for careless driving. Cops say drugs and alcohol were not involved. End of story. There’s nothing more to say about this incident, according to Woods.
But Tiger, there are so many unanswered questions about the incident. What were you doing up at 2:30 a.m.? Where were you going? How is it that your wife was immediately at the crash scene? How did you sustain those injuries? Why is the back window broken? And most importantly, how in the hell did you drive over a fire hydrant and crash straight into a tree in a residential neighborhood? How did that happen? Well, if Woods doesn’t want to talk, we must go to other reputable news sources to get the scoop.
According to TMZ, it was not the crash that caused Tiger’s lacerations on his face, it was Elin. “We’re told he said his wife had confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman,” TMZ reported the day after the accident. “The argument got heated and, according to our source, she scratched his face up. We’re told it was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV – but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.”
OK, that seems more believable. But is Tiger really cheating on Elin with New York City nightclub manager Rachel Uchitel? Reports are affirmative – and suggest that maybe there’s more. According to Us Weekly, a Los Angeles cocktail waitress too has said she has had a 31-month fling with Tiger and has the voicemail recordings and text messages to prove it. “Jaimee Grubbs, now 24, tells Us Weekly she began an affair with Woods, 33, in April 2007” – 20 “sexual encounters” with Woods, to be specific.
Wow, this just keeps getting juicer. I had no idea that he was this kind of man. Maybe he’s not, but he remains silent and refuses to talk, so he must be. Right? Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
Ok, so maybe there’s no real smoke on the alleged cheating. I mean, it’s Us Weekly and TMZ. But there is real smoke bellowing out of the car-wreck incident and there is certainly a fire. We all know the world’s best golfer, who can hit a par-4 green on his second shot, didn’t just drive over a hydrant and crash into a tree. Come on, Tiger! How stupid do you think we all are?
Of course there was a fight between Woods and his wife. She chased him out of the house with a three iron. But what the fight was about, we just don’t know. And the law says we don’t need to know. So as Americans, we must tell the story he won’t. Here is exactly what happened early that morning – you can call this a Watch exclusive report, by yours truly.
Tiger told Elin over the course of their marriage that he doesn’t like onions. Especially their slimy texture, when cooked. To his dismay, he found his turkey stuffing loaded with slimy cooked onions. Then Tiger noticed that his dinner salad was laced with red onions. And of course what did he find atop his green bean casserole? French-fried onions. This was the last straw for Tigerzzz.
“I’m Tiger Woods, damn it,” he said in utter disgust. “If I don’t like onions, don’t serve me onions. Is that too much to ask for?”
Elin began to sob. “But I like onions,” she said. “They are good for the blood and they flavor the food so well.”
The two argued late into the night but both finally settled down to rest. At about 2:15 a.m., Tiger awoke with some extremely bad heartburn. “Damn onions,” he said as he stumbled to find some Rolaids. “Honey, did you get more Rolaids like I told you?”
“You were supposed to get them,” she said. “It’s your heartburn; you buy them!”
So the two fought until Tiger couldn’t take his heartburn any longer and she couldn’t take his pettiness any longer. He went out the door to get the Rolaids and she followed in anger with a golf club. He tripped on a tricycle in the front yard and fell head first onto the pavement.
As he escaped, she threw the three iron and blasted it through the rear view window causing him to swerve, over the hydrant and into the tree.
In all, it amounts to one bad case of heartburn and an utter dislike for onions. (Tiger, you are welcome to use this explanation for a cool $350 million).