A-Rod: Good Player, Terrible Liar, Losing Half
by Gus Jarvis
Jul 10, 2008 | 853 views | 3 3 comments | 9 9 recommendations | email to a friend | print

I hate to turn to the wonderful world of smut news, but Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has forced me to with the sad, sad news that his wife of six years wants a divorce after he took his extra-marital affairs one step too far – to the “material girl” herself, Madonna.

In case you haven’t heard or have somehow been able to avoid tabloid news, A-Rod’s high-maintenance 35-year-old wife Cynthia Rodriguez filed divorce papers on Monday saying that her jock husband “has emotionally abandoned his wife and children and has left her with no choice to divorce him,” according to court documents obtained by the Boston Herald. C-Rod wants sole ownership of the couple’s Florida home, custody of their two young children and says she is entitled to “an equitable distribution of all assets acquired during the marriage” to support her lavish lifestyle.

The divorce proceedings alone would be great tabloid fodder, but add to that – from a “reputable” source, no less – a report in The New York Post that had one of C-Rod’s lawyers, Maurice Kutner, saying that A-Rod’s “relationship with Madonna was the latest situation is a series of events” that has now ruined the marriage. And, if that wasn’t enough, rocker Lenny Kravitz opened his arms to the heartbroken C-Rod who reportedly spent a few days at the singer’s Paris abode.

Like any good political race, an allegation is made toward an enemy. Whether it’s true or not, the enemy must deny, or at the very least make a statement, to rectify the allegation. So here now is A-Rod, C-Rod, Madonna, her husband Guy Ritchie, and Kravitz all entwined in a so-called love-pentagon, and all denying each other’s allegations.

Everybody involved in this fiasco seems to know how to deny rumors – all except A-Rod, who is quite literally an idiot when it comes to making statements to the tabloid news. He just can’t seem to deny or at least lie like he should.

Madonna’s statement: “I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study,” said a statement issued to People.

Lenny Kravitz’s statement: “There is absolutely no affair between Cynthia Rodriguez and myself. It is unequivocally 100 percent not true.”

A-Rod’s statement, when asked if he has had a romantic relationship with Madonna: Uhhhh, “I have no comment.”

What a dumbass. For the tabloid news reporters, his statement was a big “YES, I had sex with Madonna!” Really, no comment? Come on A-Rod, quit being so honest and lie, lie, lie. A good man once told me that it’s really OK to deny until you die to save face. Deny ’til you die, A-Rod. Deny ’til you die! Madonna knows how to do it. Lenny knows how to do it. But you, A-Rod, don’t.

But then of course, we must face the fact that we are dealing with a Yankee here and perhaps not be the brightest player in the league. I will tell you who is smart in all of this: C-Rod.

Don’t tell me this divorce proceeding hasn’t been in the back of her mind for some time. A-Rod has already been given the nickname Stray-Rod, after spotted hanging out in Canada with a blond bombshell dancer. Yeah, C-Rod knows A-Rod can’t stay away from the nookie while on the road. So, in all her smartness, she waited to file for divorce only after he became the league’s top earner. Just last year, A-Rod became the highest-paid player in baseball when he signed a 10-year contract worth $275 million.

After that contract was signed, all C-Rod had to do was wait. Wait until her man slipped up again so she could take half. So I guess A-Rod won’t be the league’s top earner after all.

A-Rod’s situation reminds me of one of those popular credit card commercials. Hot dog and box of Cracker Jacks at Yankee Stadium: $8.50. Ten-year contract with the Yankees: $275 million. Ugly divorce: $137.5 million. Sex with Madonna: Absolutely priceless.

With that, I leave you with yet another refreshing cocktail to share with your loved ones, or perhaps drown you sorrows in, called the Divorce Party. Enjoy.

Divorce Party

2 parts Banana Liqueur

4 oz Orange juice

4 oz Pineapple juice

3 parts white rum

2 oz Triple sec

Vigorously mix all ingredients with ice, either blended or on the rocks.

– Recipe by idrink.com
Comments-icon Post a Comment
July 14, 2008
Madonna?? I wouldn't touch Madonna with Gus' unit. These rich guys must enjoy giving there money away, Neil Diamond, Paul McCartney, now A-rod. i don't get it, why get married, especially without a "prenup" if you can get any woman you want any night of the week? A-rod is an idiot!
Gig 'Em
July 14, 2008
Brains enough to get with Madonna though!
July 14, 2008
A-Rod is all skill and absolutely no brains.