How many years of fart, masturbation and hyperactive sex jokes does it take to drive a man completely insane?
Judging by his recent, should-be-embarrassing rants, it takes around eight years spent shooting television’s Two and a Half Men.
I too would go insane if I had to be Uncle Charlie for that long. Yes, before he was fired from Two and a Half Men earlier this month, he was the highest paid TV actor going.
But even I know that $1.8 million per episode is not enough to compensate for hanging out with a fake nerd and his snot-nosed son, day in and day out.
It’s time to move on, Charlie, to things you like to do, and that you are passionate about.
Besides Platoon and Wall Street, the best role Sheen has ever played was the young fireballer Ricky Vaughn in Major League, one of the best movies (especially because of its high cuss count) and one of the best roles of all time. There still is nothing better in a sports film than watching Sheen as the “Wild Thing” throw three straight heaters (“Forget about the curve ball, Ricky!”) past the Yankees batter to end the inning. Movie magic at its best.
Sheen needs to find his way back to the baseball diamond (or any other sport he is passionate about). I am not saying he needs to play professional ball; he needs to just be near the game.
Let us not forget that this current circus of media madness stemmed from interviews Sheen gave on The Dan Patrick Show on Valentine’s Day and then again, two days later. On The Dan Patrick Show, Sheen found a comfortable venue to discuss his life and his passion for baseball and sports memorabilia, and just happened to discuss some recent partying episodes and give the beleaguered actress Lindsay Lohan some sound advice on addiction.
Sheen said he never showed up to work on the set of Two and a Half Men drunk or on drugs, but that there were times he was maybe just a tad bit hung over.
Of course, TMZ, Entertainment Tonight and every celebrity rag from Los Angeles to Bangkok jumped all over the story. Was he quitting the show? Does he have a drug problem? Where is his life going?
What was missed in all of this is that Sheen was simply there to discuss sports and found the radio show, thanks to Patrick and his team of “Danettes,” a comfortable medium. He wasn’t being hounded by the paparazzi or by big-headed reporters. Turns out the guy loves playing baseball, he has donated a ton of money to UCLA’s baseball team and has a genuine passion for the game.
Hey, he even showed up at UCLA practice to take some batting practice and give the team a brief yet important pep talk.
“Stay off the crack, drink chocolate milk and enjoy the moment,” he said. “That’s all I’ve got.”
Sound advice from someone who has been there and done that.
Knowing that another season of Two and a Half Men would put Sheen in the grave, my advice to him is to chase his passion. Announce some minor league baseball games. Hell, apply for the vacant Cubs announcer slot at Wrigley Field. Harry Caray wasn’t exactly sober, and we all loved him.
It turns out I am not alone in this idea. Mark Cuban, the super-rich owner of the Dallas Mavericks and the cable network HDNet, said last week that he and Sheen have had several conversations about developing a program for HDNet.
“You’ve got somebody that everybody has a whole lot of interest in, who’s doing some interesting things, to say the least, and we always look for interesting programming by featuring interesting people doing interesting things,” Cuban said, according to ESPNDallas.com.
“I reached out and we’ve had some conversations, and we’re going to work on some things.”
I truly hope for Sheen’s sake that he and Cuban can work “some things” out, and that it relates to sports. What Dr. Phil hasn’t prescribed for Sheen, at least not yet, is about a hundred or so days at the ballpark.
And that can cure just about anything.