Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and CIA chief Leon Panetta have announced a dramatic new shift in American policy toward South and Central Asia.
“I don’t know what we’ve been thinking,” Clinton said, drawing laughter from the audience of correspondents, retired U.S. Foreign Service officers and diplomatic representatives from a half-dozen countries bordering Pakistan and Afghanistan. She drew more laughter when she added, “Sometimes I think that instead of going after Osama bin Laden in Pakistan, we would have been better served by sending Seal Team Six to clean out the Department of State, the Pentagon and Langley,” referring to the sprawling C.I.A. headquarters in suburban northern Virginia.
“Let me second that,” Panetta chuckled. “Last year we gave over three-billion dollars of military aid to Pakistan, and of the twenty percent that didn’t go to bribes, kickbacks and outright theft we estimate that two-thirds went to funding terrorists, not fighting them.
When Pakistani Ambassador Rahman Beg shouted from the back of the room, “Your figures are pure nonsense, Mister Panetta; the figure is much closer to nine-tenths than two-thirds, let me assure you!” Panetta countered with what he said was an old Pushtun proverb: “The guest who overeats is seldom invited back.” When he noticed Ambassador Beg frowning, Panetta quickly reassured him: “That applies only to guests, Mr. Ambassador, not to family members,
and Pakistan and America are closer than brothers. In fact, we are doubling our annual military aid package to Pakistan….”
“And we will be dropping our absurd requirement for itemized receipts,” Secretary Clinton added. “After all, if we can’t trust Pakistan, who can we trust?”
ENERGY CORP. EXECS TAKE BLAME FOR CLIMATE CHANGE, POLLUTION
The heads of the six biggest energy companies in the world, meeting in Zurich, Switzerland, released a statement today asking forgiveness for what they called “a pattern of placing corporate profits ahead of the welfare of the human race and the environmental health of the entire planet.” The statement goes on to say, “We have deliberately lied about every aspect of our industry, big and small. We continually boast of our efforts to reduce energy consumption, while in reality we have done everything we can to accelerate energy use in the most wasteful, irresponsible ways possible: bigger and heavier cars and recreational vehicles, cities empty of inhabitants at night but blazing with millions of lights, appliances to carry out the smallest, easiest tasks, and….”
MOMA ANNOUNCES ANNUAL ART WINNERS
A dead dog writing with maggots, titled Das Ist Ewige Kunst; a photocopy of Da Vinci’s The Last Supper, smeared with mud, excrement and genuine elephant vomit, by the Anonymous Art Collective of Berlin; a ten second black-and-white 8 millimeter film loop of the artist jumping up and down and shouting abuse at the viewer, by Korean sensation Kim il-Sung, titled **** You, Fascist, Museum-Going Elitist Swine: These were only three of the thrilling pieces in the Breaking New Ground: 2012 and Beyond exhibit that opened last night at the Museum of Modern Art. Curated by a baboon and a computer programmed with the aesthetic sensibilities of Andy Warhol….”